When it all falls apart…

I started this blog with good intentions, but as my life goes forward sometimes the extra activities I try to add don’t always make it.

Recently I’ve been interviewing, internally and externally. I was finally promoted into another department and very excited to start my new role soon. My anxiety issues seem to be limited and not has apparent as other times for this big change. Maybe it’s because I already know I get along with my teammates, my director likes me, and I have already done this job at a lower level, or maybe because of therapy and finally coming into myself.

Now you are probably wondering what the actual hell is falling apart? My marriage.

After recent arguments¬†and the stress of the job I didn’t like, along with grad school, and finding out our beloved cat is diabetic… along with his family’s health issues and other stressors, we lost each other. We didn’t even make it two years before we came crashing down. My take on things is different from his, life is messy and this is all temporary – school will be done in ten months, I already have a new job, the cat needs shots and specific feeding times, which yes is annoying but not doable, and his family is getting care.

I love him and he has reluctantly agreed to couples therapy, I have barely cried, at first it was shock, and then I was mad, I cried a little, and now I’m pulling my boot straps up. Mind you all of these emotions happened in about 12 hours. The arguments in my mind are pretty standard, who’s doing laundry, who will be home for the cat, one of us had a bad day, but then it escalated, it escalated when he tried to back out of a trip we’ve already paid for “he needs time alone”. I was so excited about our pending trip that it was going to be us away from the all the routine bullshit, time to cuddle and date and love… so when this came flying out of his mouth, I broke. I was hoping he’d take it back as he hasn’t called to try to refund his flights yet. He’s standing his ground. We’ve been dealing with so much crap, that we forgot how to communicate, maybe therapy will be good, maybe it will end everything… hope for the best and prepare for the worst right?

As I was Googling Couples Therapy, as one does in a marriage crisis… I went to the Psychology Today site. Seemed reputable and I could search by our city. I contacted two therapists who had offices near our home, the form email only allows you so many words and they tell you to be brief. I reached out with a standard, name, phone, email, and that we are looking for someone who may have later hours or weekend hours to work around both our schedules. Both only wrote back, “What Insurance do you have?”!!! One of them didn’t even write their name or a greeting of any sort!!! So this is what health care has brought us to? We’re not well off, but we’re not poor, both of us have decent jobs for our city (I’m not the new CEO of Uber or anything but I can pay a visit fee) why does our insurance carrier matter more than what could possibly be wrong that we’re reaching out to someone for help? I’m more likely to still see the one who at least wrote a greeting and their name because they are also close in proximity to us, but am apprehensive over the fact that I have this clear feeling you just want money and don’t actually care. It may be that they were screwed over in the past by patients, but maybe a little more than just asking your insurance carrier back would have been ideal to help make a connection.

Is that too much to ask of people, to be human? I’m falling apart, my home is falling apart, I’m reaching out for help and a smidge of compassion would be nice. I doubt a lot of people who are all in the honeymoon stage of marriage reach out to a therapist.

So now I wait to see if they even invest on us based on our insurance, which is super f*cking shitty. So now I’m going to do my makeup put on a brave face and go to work and wait by my phone for a call or email to see if someone is willing to help us.