When it all falls apart…

I started this blog with good intentions, but as my life goes forward sometimes the extra activities I try to add don’t always make it.

Recently I’ve been interviewing, internally and externally. I was finally promoted into another department and very excited to start my new role soon. My anxiety issues seem to be limited and not has apparent as other times for this big change. Maybe it’s because I already know I get along with my teammates, my director likes me, and I have already done this job at a lower level, or maybe because of therapy and finally coming into myself.

Now you are probably wondering what the actual hell is falling apart? My marriage.

After recent arguments and the stress of the job I didn’t like, along with grad school, and finding out our beloved cat is diabetic… along with his family’s health issues and other stressors, we lost each other. We didn’t even make it two years before we came crashing down. My take on things is different from his, life is messy and this is all temporary – school will be done in ten months, I already have a new job, the cat needs shots and specific feeding times, which yes is annoying but not doable, and his family is getting care.

I love him and he has reluctantly agreed to couples therapy, I have barely cried, at first it was shock, and then I was mad, I cried a little, and now I’m pulling my boot straps up. Mind you all of these emotions happened in about 12 hours. The arguments in my mind are pretty standard, who’s doing laundry, who will be home for the cat, one of us had a bad day, but then it escalated, it escalated when he tried to back out of a trip we’ve already paid for “he needs time alone”. I was so excited about our pending trip that it was going to be us away from the all the routine bullshit, time to cuddle and date and love… so when this came flying out of his mouth, I broke. I was hoping he’d take it back as he hasn’t called to try to refund his flights yet. He’s standing his ground. We’ve been dealing with so much crap, that we forgot how to communicate, maybe therapy will be good, maybe it will end everything… hope for the best and prepare for the worst right?

As I was Googling Couples Therapy, as one does in a marriage crisis… I went to the Psychology Today site. Seemed reputable and I could search by our city. I contacted two therapists who had offices near our home, the form email only allows you so many words and they tell you to be brief. I reached out with a standard, name, phone, email, and that we are looking for someone who may have later hours or weekend hours to work around both our schedules. Both only wrote back, “What Insurance do you have?”!!! One of them didn’t even write their name or a greeting of any sort!!! So this is what health care has brought us to? We’re not well off, but we’re not poor, both of us have decent jobs for our city (I’m not the new CEO of Uber or anything but I can pay a visit fee) why does our insurance carrier matter more than what could possibly be wrong that we’re reaching out to someone for help? I’m more likely to still see the one who at least wrote a greeting and their name because they are also close in proximity to us, but am apprehensive over the fact that I have this clear feeling you just want money and don’t actually care. It may be that they were screwed over in the past by patients, but maybe a little more than just asking your insurance carrier back would have been ideal to help make a connection.

Is that too much to ask of people, to be human? I’m falling apart, my home is falling apart, I’m reaching out for help and a smidge of compassion would be nice. I doubt a lot of people who are all in the honeymoon stage of marriage reach out to a therapist.

So now I wait to see if they even invest on us based on our insurance, which is super f*cking shitty. So now I’m going to do my makeup put on a brave face and go to work and wait by my phone for a call or email to see if someone is willing to help us.

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Worklife

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection and mindfulness recently to counter my anxiety. Along with reading blogs and articles about what could be the root of my problem. I’ve been at my company for over five years. At first, I was getting my feet wet, and then I was promoted to a position I didn’t love, I felt underpaid and under apprciated. I was promoted again and it was better for awhile and then the rut started again this more quickly than the last. I realized it’s not the job itself, it’s the culture.

I then found this article on Forbes.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/ashleystahl/2016/03/03/hate-your-job-heres-what-its-costing-you/#589b73476630

Hating your job has negative health effects.

  • Weight Gain
  • Illness
  • Mental Health
  • Stress
  • Losing Sleep
  • It will hinder your personal life
  • Lower motivation and passion
  • It can kill your confidence and self-worth
  • It’s holding you back from what you really want to do

Everything I have been feeling in one article. I’ve never been the person who needs constant praise but a “Nice presentation” wouldn’t be too much to ask. My clients love me more than my company does. I have had some call to say “hi” and ask how my day is going, I’ve never had a manager ask how my day is going…

After much self-reflection the realization that it isn’t me or the particular job I am doing, it’s the company and the culture. The churn and burn, stay until it’s done, have a quota worth millions but yet make less than $40K. The truth of the matter is, I’m just horribly unhappy and need to start looking outside my company. Some of this realization came from when I applied for a promotion and received a robo e-mail from my own company, they chose someone else. I didn’t even deserve a “thanks for applying, we had some great candidates” (There were only ten candidates they chose four). Yes, I could ask for feedback which would be proper, but I’m just done the last straw situation. I’m just a warm body in a seat, I’ve made the company over a billion dollars in my tenure but I’m just a number. (Fun story, this is why I dropped out of the first University I went to. It was large and 500 people in my class, I couldn’t learn that way.)

So now the job hunt starts, but where to start…

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Burnout + Kids = Insanity

Emotional and Physical burnout is real with anxiety or not. We try to do so many things in our life and pack as much into our daily lives as we can.

  • Work 40+ hours a day
  • Take some graduate classes
  • Raise children
  • Tend to your relationship
  • Keep the house clean
  • Never ending laundry
  • Walk the dog
  • Blog
  • Agree to attend your mother’s third cousins party
  • Call your parents
  • Have dinner at the in-laws
  • Go to the gym

The list never seems to really end. Packed into all of this we’re supposed to have some self-care. For some people, the gym is their happy place and they can knock off two bird with one stone. For me it’s rest, I need to rest my brain because it never truly shuts off. Extra sleep, maybe a massage, these things make me feel better but trying to schedule something else in is daunting. There isn’t a lot of “me time” in my life. I’ve been searching for jobs that may not be more work life balance but allows for more time to myself even if it’s on a plane, just like running away but the adult kind.

I am happily married, two cats, work 40 hours a week in a cube, going to graduate school, and currently in therapy. I do my best around the house but sometimes it’s overwhelming for me and I need to not think about it. My husband helps out a lot sometimes more than his fair share with everything I have going on. I’m jealous of him most days. He works from home when his work is done he gets free time. If my work is done at the office I still have to sit there and twiddle my thumbs. (There are very few days my work is ever done, but the option would be nice) Oher days he’s getting work calls during dinner and at night, those are the days I’m less jealous.

I seem to be on the edge of a breakdown recently. For sure physically, I’ve had a cold for almost three weeks now. I’ve put my relationship on autopilot which is the worst thing I can ever do, I’m just trying to get through the day and the next day. When I first started grad school my husband looked me in the face and asked if I was taking on too much. Although I didn’t and still don’t want to admit it he’s right. My bigger issue is I want the white picket fence with the 2.5 kids and we are at the very low end of the middle class. We don’t own a home my car is almost ten years old and I’m going to cry when it needs replacing, not because I’m attached to it, but because of the payments.

Both our parents keep talking about grandkids and I want to scream “Will you pay for them?”. And then the anxiety kicks in again. What if I wait too long? What if grad school doesn’t lead to a better job? What if we never own a house? There’s this series of events that every generation before me has had and I have no idea how they were able to afford any of it. I emptied our HSA for Invisalign because it’s too hard to floss and dental upkeep appointments were draining me. I’m too young to think about losing teeth. <- That’s what’s on my mind right now not children. But my husband is ready so it feels like I’m just standing there surrounded by disappointed faces because I want our lives to be better. If we had a child and ACA went away, even though I have pretty good company insurance, and something went wrong… it would crush us.

These are the thoughts I have. Not the happy I want to be pregnant thoughts that all of my friends have. I’m already stretched to my limits, and I don’t want to pick a fight with anyone. If I bring up my concerns I’m told I’m crazy and it won’t be like that. But what if it is…